A Diary To Live And Die By
by Twilight of Grace
Summary: [this story is by my girlfriend] In the past two years, there has been no sign of Sora and Kairi is left by herself... with her only way of consolation being her diary. [Divine Of Grace]
1. August 22, 2001

-Authors Note: This is my first fan fiction (I like to just write my own stories on and since I'm so new at this type of thing, I wanted to see if anyone would actually like what I've done before I went full blast into my own account. To be honest, I haven't finished KH yet… but I love the story so far. This is my attempt on what was actually going through Kairi's head during the months that Sora was gone… from what my boyfriend has told me. He actually started this, but he didn't finish it so I decided to take it on, cause I used to write a diary myself. Hope you like it..

August 22, 2001

Dear Diary,

Wow… out of all my methods to cope nowadays, this is my weirdest yet… ME- a Diary? Well, here it goes…

I am completely alone. No one here remembers what happened. I am the only one left. I alone bear the burden of the knowledge… the knowledge that could potentially change the lives of every single person I know… the knowledge of the Heartless. What do I do? Who do I trust? The answers are so simple.. I do nothing but wait and I trust only my heart. My heart is the only part of me connected to him.. He has been gone so long… and here I sit… dreaming of his beautiful eyes that have been gone so long. Those eyes that smile and dance when they light up. He hasn't finished yet, so for now, we must be apart. He promised to return, and I believe him. I will wait forever if that is how long it takes.

He floods my mind all the time. I can almost feel him, even as I sit here on my bed writing. Something changed inside me that day at Hollow Bastion. I can't put my finger on it.. But I feel closer to him then every before. It feels like.. Even though we are apart, we are still one.

My days are not filled with daydreams of just him though. My classes are becoming increasingly boring and they do not pacify the animal inside that longs to go find him…. Or Riku. Poor Riku… It has been so long. I haven't seen him since the day the island was attacked. Oh God.. Where is he? So many questions keep bombarding me… Could Riku be dead? So many questions… but no answers… I guess I have to just… wait.


	2. August 30, 2001

August 30th, 2001

Dear Diary,

Can the days be any longer! Each day is becoming a century in my mind. I can't find solace in anything… I've gone from punching my pillow to slicing my wrists… nothing works. It only leaves me crying and completely frustrated. Even the beautiful ocean breeze does nothing for my anymore.

I have become distant from everyone around me. I cry in the mornings and at night, the times I miss him the most- when he visits me for brief amounts of time in my mind. My parents are starting to worry that I am sick and they are getting every doctor available on the island. I guess they are trying to get me pills now, so I can sleep through the nights instead of waking up screaming. No one understands. Everyone at school thinks I'm crazy and I am constantly being ridiculed for all my beliefs. Sometimes I wonder if I really am crazy… but then my mind thinks again of him and I know I can't be. Everyone in my life is giving up on me… but I know I can't give up on myself… I have to keep going. I know now that I love for him. All these horrible memories will serve as sweet discourses for the times to come.


	3. September 10, 2001

September 10th, 2001

Dear Diary,

He came to me. Unfortunately it is only though my dreams. It is 2:00 in the morning and I just woke up. I don't want to forget… I have to write it down…

He was battling many heartless… in a world so strange… I've never seen it before. He was all alone. Goofy and Donald were gone… no where to be found. It didn't matter to me… I only wanted to be close to him even more than ever before. I finally got to see him without having everything turn to darkness encompassing me. The never-ending darkness always seems to eat away at me till I lose grip on my own self. It is the scariest feeling to feel your own being slowly slip away.

School is becoming increasingly harder. I am failing most of my classes because I can't concentrate. My parents are forcing me to see the doctor 3 times a week now. He asks me questions about my beliefs and doesn't respond to what I say. He just sits and listens… it's really annoying and nice at the same time. He doesn't judge, but he doesn't respond. My friends have completely given up on me. I think they finally realize I am never going to be the same…

I just don't understand it anymore. Why can't he be here? Why won't he come back to me? All I want to do is hold him once more… to feel his chest rise and fall with life against mine. I hope for it every night. Everyday I see him in the faces of every one. He never really fades from my thoughts.

I finally have found some sort of comfort though. I look out at the stars every night to calm me. For some reason, they make me feel closer to him. I feel like he isn't so far away after all. I actually smile when I see them. They are like my little piece of hope to remind me he isn't gone forever. For once… I have a tiny bit of comfort for my bleeding heart.

Mom told me I have to go visit Grandma tomorrow. She says I need time out of my room. Mom just doesn't understand how hard it is for me to visit my grandmother knowing all that I do… I know she isn't my real grandmother… she knows it too. We don't even look similar… but she treats me like her own. It feels good to still be loved though…

I just wish he could see me now. When will he come back?


	4. September 22, 2001

September 22, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today has been such a peculiar day. I feel like my whole world is upside down. Do you ever have those days? Today I opened the fridge to get a box of cereal… and then my dad came in and gave me a puzzled look when I started getting mad because it wasn't there. Luckily for me, my dad is pretty easy going sometimes and his laughter made me feel better. Laughter seems to cure everything sometimes… even a broken heart. By no means am I cured… but the pain dulls whenever I laugh for real… which isn't very often… but when it does happen… it feels good.

Recently I've been thinking a lot about Riku. I know he is still out there… but I know he is in pain… I fear he has been consumed by the darkness… all alone… just like me. I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me I'm right… I don't want to be though… I want him to be back here safe and happen… but I know that for things to turn out right, I might have to just let him go… but why? Why do I feel so disconnected to everyone? I don't even care about the people I sued to love the most… except for him… if this were happening to him I wouldn't just let it go like this. For some reason, I just don't care about anyone else but him…. God, what the hell am I doing? What is wrong with me? But no matter how hard I try… I just can't feel the same love towards others as I did before… That day at Hollow Bastion… the memory still so clear… something in me died… but something else was born. My heart feels different towards everyone in my life except him. I pretend to still be kind and caring, but it just doesn't' work anymore. What has happened to me? What have I become?


	5. September 23, 2001

September 23, 2001

Dear Diary,

The air outside is becoming somewhat cooler.It seems less stuffed and the breeze is beautiful. I heard my grandmother talk of snow once. She said it was white, crisp and cold. It sounds so foreign to me… maybe it's because the only places it is cold enough to snow is at the tip tops of the very highest mountains… it almost sounds beautiful. I wonder if he has seen it, wherever he is. Grandmother says it comes in most places for long periods of time. She called it, "winter". I told her I wanted to see it and I'm going to find some one day. She and mom laughed at me. They think I am not serious. They don't understand me nowadays. I want out of here. I want more adventure… I crave it. I need to be by his side, helping him.

It has now been a day past a month since I began to write this diary. It is strange how this is only my fifth entry… but things here do not spark my interests anymore. I need a place to control my thoughts… and they seem to only get clouded about once every week or so. The things I view as boring and mundane are the things everyone here runs around screaming like chickens with their heads cut off. People here view everything as a fiasco… and I find their panic completely inane. I guess all the horrors I went through made me cold towards people here.

I don't really know why I even started writing this. I guess I felt drawn to this paper. I was walking down Main Street, with fresh blood running down my legs, and I saw this book. I was completely compelled to it. It drew me in just by looking at it. It is so plain by its green cover, but the inside seems to symbolize my life. White, with black stripes, it represents my two sides. My light side, the side that is friendly and kind. The other is quiet, the side that is distant and refuses to acknowledge human emotion and feelings. I have begun to notice the dark side taking over me. It's a slow process that keeps eating away at my soul. Like how the ocean eats away at the rocks. It is a slow process, but it slowly removes bits of me everyday. I can see it happening, but I do not do anything to stop it. I've stopped hanging out with my friends now… I just don't get along with them like before. When I'm not walking around the children's island, I'm sitting in my room simply wishing for time to jump forward… but unfortunately for me… not only does a watched pot never boil… but waiting for something to happen only eats away at you even more.

As of late… I've been avoiding everyone, especially my parents. My friends do not call at all anymore and I've been skipping my classes more and more. My teachers have held a conference with the principal and they threatened to call my parents if there was not a drastic improvement. I told them they should just do it, and they did. I felt no worries or anything. I did not and still don't care. Why can't they understand that my heart isn't here… but in another place? I know now… I'll never be the same ever again, not even if he returned. I've gotten older in these past few months… too old.

I think thatthe dark is becoming stronger than the light…


	6. September 29, 2001

September 29th, 2001

Dear Diary,

I hate taking to anyone. I want to be alone. My doctor told my mother that I'm just going through a recluse phase and it's apart of being a teenager. He told my mom I must have had severe brain trauma before I was adopted. I've tried to tell them over and over again… but nothing works. They just tell me to go lie down or rest. I've decided that my only thoughts are going to be kept in this book. I trust absolutely no one here… only myself. I seclude myself from everyone and when I get home I always go straight to my room. Mom has given up consoling me anymore. Because she doesn't believe anything about the Heartless, I really can't confide in her. Father refuses to even talk to me and his glare of disgust is upon me everyday now. I can only return a look of emptiness to him. What else could I possibly do? I feel nothing more than that when I look at them.

It seems as though when he left, he took everything that made me what I am. What frightens me the most is when he returns … I won't be the same… will he still love me? Why can't he simply just come back… even if it was only for a day? Everyday I pray for him to come back, but he never does… Will he ever return? Or is he going to just leave me to my grief? I often sit in the Secret Place hoping against everything that he'll appear through that sealed door. I know he alone can open it.

Everyday I lose a tiny bit of my heart. I can feel time wearing me down. Even my will to live is slowly degrading bit by bit. I know I promised I will wait however long it takes… but does that really mean I must wait FOREVER? It's been over a year now… I guess I wasn't expecting it to take THIS long… It's really taking a toll on my body… I am not eating very much and I've stopped taking those sleeping pills. They give me nightmares that I can't wake up from until the morning. I've realized I don't cut as much when I write. I have about 20 cutes on my leg and about 5 of them are fresh. I try to stay away from my arm because I know my parents would find them… They do not need another thing to worry about.

I feel so alone and empty. The only two people who even slightly understand me have abandoned me. I can only hope they will come back to me… please… come back.


	7. October 1, 2001

October 1, 2001

Dear Diary,

I saw him again. It was the most beautiful thing. It's like 3 in the morning and I just woke up crying. He came to me again. It all felt so real…

I was in a dark room, all alone… I could feel the darkness taking me away again… I could see my heart… it was glowing red and softly beating, but the beats were becoming slower and slower. I could hardly move but I watched the color begin to fade as it continued to slowly decrease in speed. I could feel the life leaving me with each beat. Suddenly it stopped. I gasped for one last breath and I suddenly saw my heart split down the middle with a golden light that shined through it. His face broke though my heart while the golden light turned my pale heart to gold. I could feel air once again in my lungs and I saw him look back at me and smile. His face shown like the sun and his smile was radiant, with his blue eyes like sapphires. I sat in wonder and awe for a few moments. I could feel my body being reenergized and almost reborn. I looked down and saw that my body had indeed changed, my skin was glowing and my clothes were new. My body felt whole and complete. I stared back at him with tears all over my cheeks. I tried to reach out and touch his cheek that was still on my heart, but the second I touched it, everything shattered. I screamed, "NO!" and knelt down to pick up the pieces. The pieces were completely smashed into shards and they were unable to be fixed. I began to sob when I heard a noise. I looked up and I saw that I was completely surrounded by heartless. I looked all around for an escape, but instead I saw… the keyblade lying on the ground in front of my feet. It was dull and rusted in color. I cried harder and touched it. It instantaneously turned back to its pristine state. I looked into the blade and saw a strange face staring back… It was his face. He was me… and I was him. We were united.

Unfortunately… I woke up. It's only been an hour now… but I still can feel him inside of me. I do not know why I had that dream… but I do feel somewhat better for the moment. It feels like he was trying to connect with me… reach me. He must have known I was starting to lose hope. I know he is still out there, but needs me to hold on for a bit longer. I would wait forever for him. I have some of his strength with me now… I can feel it.


	8. October 2, 2001

October 2nd, 2001

Dear Diary,

Screw this. I've stopped going to school. I quit. This is it. I can't take this anymore. No one gets me there. I'm done trying. I know that dream gave me hope… but I've decided to just stay home and wait. The doctor told my mom I should take some time off for my "mental health"… but he just doesn't get it. I'm not going back… ever.

He will come for me. He will take me away from all this. We will show them… we will show everyone. I sit in our Secret Spot every day now. I tell mom I'm going to pick flowers, but… I just go there instead. Looking at our past helps me… It makes him feel closer… and it reminds me that he'll come back to me again. I'll wait forever… forever for him.

_I love him… _


	9. October 4, 2001

October 4th, 2001

Dear Diary,

The doctor saw my cuts today. I told him that my cat scratched me… but he didn't believe me. He asked me why I would do something so… "Heartless". I just started crying.

I am heartless… I've been hurting myself… for what? He won't love me for this… he won't love my bleeding wounds… I must stop this. I can't cut anymore. I **HAVE **to stop… I can't hurt him.

_Later…_

Dear Diary,

Oh God… Why? Why does this hurt so much? I can't stop thinking about that cool blade sitting in my dresser… I want it… I want it so bad… I want to hurt… I want to feel pain… I want to feel the pain I feel inside… it hurts so much…

I can't do this by myself… I need him… where is he?


	10. October 5, 2001

October 5th, 2001

Dear Diary,

Still… no sign of him… I found a picture of us today… me and my two best friends. How little we were. Riku looks so small… compared to how he is now… and him… oh he looks so adorable… his hair was so short and spiky… and his eyes… even as a young boy they make me melt. I miss those eyes… My home is in those eyes… Oh God… It's been too long without him… I feel my heart loosing hope again… this time faster and stronger than before…


	11. October 6, 2001

October 6th, 2001

Dear Diary,

Mom and Dad want me to live with grandmother… they say I need a new environment… but I CAN'T! I need to wait here for him… what if he comes back… and I'm not here… no one here remembers him…

Mom and Dad get mad whenever I talk about him. Mom cries all the time now. I guess they weren't expecting this when they adopted me… I wish I could just go to my real parents… they'd understand me. I hate being here… being unloved… I wish they could just understand…

I still don't sleep very much and cutting is getting harder to quit. I have been cut free for 48 hours… and counting. Hopefully I can end this. I know I must get better… I must get better for him… I need to be at my best to help him. Not… this…


	12. October 7, 2001

October 7th, 2001

Dear Diary,

I dreamt of Riku Last night… he was dressed in black and I in white. We were like night and day, complete opposites… I called out to Riku… I wanted him to be near me… Maybe together we could find… him. I reached out farther; as far as I could… but it wasn't far enough… he just couldn't reach me.

"RIKKKKKKKUUUUU! NOOOOOOO!" I Screamed.

I woke up just then. Don't you hate it when your dreams and your life feel so similar? Not even in my dreams can I find an ounce of peace….

Poor Riku… he is in pain… so much pain….


	13. October 8, 2001

October 8th, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today I watched the sunrise…I was already awake… so I just… left. I walked to the beach and just watched the sun come up. It was so pretty. The colors were a mess of gorgeous hues… all which remind me of him. The blue sky reminds me of his blue eyes…. The golden rays of his golden locks…. The pinks and reds of his lips… so soft… It all makes me miss him… so much…

I wonder if he misses me as much as I miss him? I wonder what he is doing… who is he with… sometimes I fear he has found another girl. And if he did… what does she look like? Does she remind him of me? Is she like me? Or is she my complete opposite? I wonder if he knows how much I care about him…. I wish I could tell him… but it's just so hard….when he is so far away. Sometimes… I feel like… he has apart of me with him, like… I'm there… but I can't be… cause I'm here… but she's… there?


	14. October 9, 2001

October 9th, 2001

Dear Diary,

He is thinking of me… right now. I can feel his connection. I can feel him… like his eyes are on me. I know he is… it has been so long and I know he is thinking about me. I can almost feel him again… laying on the beach next to me… his hand holding mine… so many memories.

I wish he was here with me… I feel so alone again. I woke up crying again last night… this time I was sobbing. I don't remember my dream… but he was in it. Something happened. I wish I could remember.

Today was mom's birthday. Dad asked me to come down to celebrate with grandmother and everyone… but I just couldn't… I couldn't leave his presence… he is too close to me now…


	15. October 10, 2001

October 10th, 2001

Dear Diary,

On days like today, I look to the sky and I feel… closer. Today was a rainy day… until suddenly I looked out my window and the sun came dazzling through the clouds. I know I'm still waiting for him to come and break through my clouds… but I just have to keeping hoping. I know he is out there… he is somewhere. With each passing day, I lose some hope… but I also feel like I feel his heart hearing my own… so close… but yet so far away. Our battles are being won… but the war is still raging.

I slipped on my cuts today. It's the first time in about a week… but I just couldn't help myself. I got into an argument with Mom and Dad again. They say if I don't improve in 2 weeks… they are sending me to grandmother's house. I told them I am NOT going. I need to wait here for him… just as he asked me to. I must stay here… ready for battle. If he or Riku returned and I was at grandmother's house…. I would be heartbroken.

I'm starting to think I should just move out. I think I should just live in our Secret Place… just in case the door opens… so that way I'll be out of my parent's hair and I will be ready… ready for him.


	16. October 11, 2001

October 11th, 2001

Dear Diary,

It's getting harder as each day passes so slowly. I watched the clouds pass by this morning as I was so sweetly reminded of our youth. I miss them so much…. My friends… when will they ever come home to me again? They have become… my everything. I know our friendship can conquer it all… we will be together forever… all 3 of us… its destiny.

After I watched the clouds this morning, I was walking along the beach and I came upon the raft we made so long ago… well only 3 pieces were left. Most of it was gone, but it did bring tears to my eyes. We were so young, so crazy, to think that we could sail away… sail away to other worlds. Of course now we are not so naïve, but still… I miss those days. I miss my friends…

Mom found my stash of unused sleeping pills while I was out. I put them in my dress drawer every night when she would give them to me. I do not know how I am going to get rid of them now. I guess I will have to be more creative. Needless to say, I'm screwed for the future with my parents and the whole trust factor.

Please… come home soon….


	17. October 12, 2001

October 12th, 2001

Dear Diary,

My life is at its worst. Mom walked in on me cutting this morning. She, of course, screamed when she saw my blood dripping down my legs. I've never felt so alone before. She grabbed my arm and led me to the living room where she sat me down on the couch and forced **ME** to call dad at work and explain what happened. He actually cried… It was the first time I've ever heard him break down… He came home and just held me.

The worst part of it all… wasn't that my parents caught me… but that… I actually didn't care. I didn't cry… I wasn't upset… I just sat there… cold … I am so broken… WHAT IS **WRONG** WITH ME? WHAT HAS HE DONE TO ME? WHY DO I HURT SO MUCH IT DOESN'T SHOW! I can't believe myself… this is ridiculous. I literally have **NOTHING** else left to give. I live for the hope my friends will come back to save me… but other than that… I am still _all alone._ No one here will ever again understand me… I really am screwed if they don't come back for me. I'm losing everything in my life that every meant **ANYTHING** TO ME! I'm starting to lose hope. My hope that I've clung to for so long is leaving. This time, it seems, for good…. What if he never comes back? What if they both DIED! What if they've given up? What is left for me here?


	18. October 13, 2001

October 13th, 2001

Dear Diary,

It's been too long. Something is wrong. There is something terribly wrong. He never meant to be away THIS LONG. It's been TWO YEARS to the DAY tomorrow… Two Long, Lonely years. Does he seriously expect me to sit her forever and do **NOTHING**? I have to find him… I can't just sit here on this island and rot from the inside out. My parents hate me, my friends have given up on me, my doctor thinks I'm going through a "phase", and my only way to cope with this pain is the Diary. Mom and dad took my knife and they still haven't decided on whether or not I should be shipped off to grandmother's house ASAP. Well I have news for them: I'm not going to be here for much longer. I'm leaving. I'm going to find him. I MUST GET OUT OF HERE AND HELP HIM. I am not going to wait any longer. This is it. I start tomorrow. I'll gather supplies and get a boat… and I'll find him.


	19. Dear Sora

October 14th, 2001

Dear Sora,

I honestly do not know when, or if, you will ever get this… but I at least want to try.

I want you to know… I'm not going to wait any longer. I just can't do it. I don't know if you know this, but my life here has become unbearable. I stopped going to school now, my parents hate me and everyone thinks I'm crazy. It's ridiculous. I can't stand this anymore. I just don't know where you are, Sora, but it has been far too long for me… I'm coming to find you. I know something is wrong… I can feel it. Two years with no word from anyone… What am I supposed to think Sora? I need you so much… you and Riku… I feel like I'm losing my mind here. I can't handle this anymore. I need help… I need a sign… I need to know you're still out there… Please… come back…

I'm not even sure if this will matter to you… but I think you deserve to know everything. I've wanted to tell you for so long… but I was never quite sure of myself… but now I know over the past few years… I've realized that… that day at Hollow Bastion changed me inside. I don't know what happened… but without you in my life… I feel like there is a huge piece of me missing… like a void. I have no idea if you feel the same way or not… but, Sora… I care about you so much… so much Sora… It hurts to be away from you for so long… Sora… _I love you._

**_Kairi… I love you too…_**

SORA! Did you just… How did you do that? How are you writing on this paper…? What's going on?

_**Kairi, I've always been with you… but now I have the power to connect with you… Kairi… I love you too… I know I've always been so bashful before… but now… I'm not afraid. I love you too Kairi. I'm so sorry I've been away so long. Kairi I never meant to hurt you… **_

Sora, I can't believe this… you're letters just bleed through this paper like… magic… How can this be?

**_You've given me the strength to reach out to you… I tried so hard for so long… I just needed something… some ounce of hope to know you felt the same way for me… Yes Kairi… we are connected… That day at Hollow Bastion was real… and it did change us… it changed us forever Kairi… _**

Sora… Where are you? Tell me you're coming home… Please come back to me… I need you so much closer… I can't take this any longer Sora…

**_Kairi, I'll be back soon. I Promise you. Just hang on tight for a little bit longer._**

SORA! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR TOO LONG. TWO YEARS WITHOUT ANYTHING. NOTHING… Sora… you don't get it… I need out NOW. You don't know Sora, it's been so hard here… at least you've been doing things to keep your mind off of all of this… I've been stuck here on this little island… with nothing, no answers, no friends, no one to believe me… NOTHING. You CAN'T MAKE ME STAY HERE ANY LONGER SORA… Sora, I'm going crazy…. I didn't ever want you to know this, but… Sora, I'm tearing myself apart… I can't take it… I cut myself all the time… it hurts so much Sora…. I need to get away, I need help… I need _you. _

**_Kairi… I… I'm so sorry… I never meant for this to happen… I never wanted to be away this long… it's a long story… but I would rather tell it to you in person… I am sorry I left you alone… but you don't have to worry for much longer… Riku is coming. He is going to bring you something important… Something to help you get out of there… So YOU can come. He should be arriving shortly, within the next few hours. Kairi… I'm so sorry… _**

Sora, I want you home too though…

**_I know Kairi… I'm coming. I'm coming back…_**

No Sora, You're coming _home…_

_Thinking of you, wherever you are_

_We pray for our sorrows to end_

_And hope that our hearts will blend_

_Now I will step forward to realize this wish_

_And who knows: Starting a new journey may not be so hard_

_Or maybe it's already begun_

_There are many worlds, but they share the same sky---_

_One sky, one Destiny. _


End file.
